Yes We Can.....And We're BLUE To Prove it!

Wow!!!!!!! We spent our evening with friends at the Democratic party. What a night! The essence of change filled the room, as every color of skin embraced each other. It was history! As one black man said "I don't think it has really set in, I can actually say that someone of my same color, is president!" It was a night of celebration and VICTORY!

Unfortunately Amendment 2 passed here in Florida with 62% of the votes-but while we may not be able to marry(yet) I now have a president who supports civil unions...so for all the uninformed and scared people that think they need to protect their marriage from us, remember, just as today became history as the first African American President, so will the day that I will marry my same sex partner.

And yes we can! Florida is a BLUE state!

It would have been a good story...

It would have been a good story if we had gotten pregnant the month we finally took the plunge to drive 2hrs to the RE after two years of trying... But it's not our story.

CD2

:-(

It's always the case

Ali's version of the RE...

It's always the case that something can be offered to me and it is declined but don't offer it to me and I want it. Sex, food, drugs, sleep...What is that? For months, and thousands of dollars ago, someone (La) has been trying to get me to go to the RE... more drugs... IVF if we have to... whatever. I have been resistant, a purist, patient...blah... blah. So now we finally decide to go over there, it's a very nice office, the staff is ultra friendly, includes LA in everything, even took our picture together, I'm feeling good about our decision... even a little foolish for not going sooner and we sit down with Dr. W and he says... let's do this. You call here on CD1 and we'll set you up for an u/s on CD12 to start monitoring your follies and then you start peos and then we'll do the insem. I'd like to do 3-4 cycles without meds. Are you serious??? I could have come over her 4 months ago for that!!! Ok, doctor, we have done this SEVERAL times, 3-4 more tries w/out meds seems like a long time and alot of money when we could have not been that far off ourselves, doing 2iui's most months. He says, well I'd like to do at least 2 cycles this way. {ok, slight huff inside}. I asked him about meds, explained that I have taken c.l.omid. off and on and never more than two months in a row and a couple rounds of f..em.era. He says.. since I ovulate on my own that Cl.o.mid is not the drug of choice for me and that over time it thins the lining of the uterus etc... {I know all that. My lining is fine. It has always been beefy on ultrasounds. that is not the problem. smile.} OK. we'll call you on CD1. Here is our $250 for your 10minutes. {Please let me be pregnant this time}.

Now for the drive home... each of us asking what the other thought...and I'll be damned if I'm not aggravated because I'm not getting shot up!!! A week ago I would have said oh I hope he doesn't offer me injectables right away. lord, have mercy. This plays a tole on the psyche.

Today is cd11. No signs yet except a little tender breasts last night.

We're off to see the.....

We traveled 2 hours yesterday for our RE appt. The Dr. and office staff were very friendly and warm, especially making us feel like one family unit . It was a good visit and we learned that since Ali ovulates on her own, the clomid that she has been on/off for several months may have actually hurt us instead of helping. It can cause the uterine lining to become too thin, therefore, not able to hold a pregnancy. Who knew? So, now what? The Dr. said we need to wait til Ali gets her cycle(assuming we're not preggo, since we snuck one in by ourselves) and on day 12 go in for an ultrasound to check the egg, and when she gets the smiley face to call the office.. I can't remember when he will do the insem(too much info to retain). I'm sure when we call they will let us know when to head over...only, it's not like their office is down the road....HELLO....we need to drive 2hrs. I will try not to stress about that now.
The plan is to try 2 cycles natural....and then on to injectables if we're not pregnant.
So we wait....and wait...and wait.

Flip a coin

It's been a while since we updated. We have decided to consult a RE. We had a choice between one in town that is new and I don't know anyone who has gotten pregnant there although the NP is a friend of mine or a RE that is 2hrs away and we know lots of people that have gotten pregnant with them. So after some back and forth, pros and cons, conversations with a few people we decided to go with the 2 hr away people. We have an appt there on the 27th.

In the meantime, I am due to ovulate on Sunday or Monday so we decided to go ahead and do one more with just us. Couldn't hurt... we might get lucky... there is the money thing, but I was reminded that people spend much more on things that depreciate. So... I got a smiley face +OPK tonight and we will insem I guess Monday morning. That will be 36hrs. We have done everything from 12-40hrs over the last two years. I have no idea what is best. The month we got pregnant we did a 24 and 36, but we only have one vial. Flip a coin.

Red Curtain Down

I'm at my parents...red curtain dropped about a half hour ago. Thanks for the encouragement and advice for La's post earlier today. The 50 yo thing does freak me out a little... but then there is Cro.sby and Tru.mp as Casey reminded us. I would want the KD to be gay I think... living in .FL. you cannot trust these judges around here. We had a case a few years ago where the judge granted custody to the dad who was a convicted felon over the mom because she was a lesbian. That is no lie. We did have good news in our state last week when a judge down in Key West granted a gay couple the adoption of their child and said our law banning it was unconstitutional. Yeah!

I guess I'll call CD1 tomorrow since it is so late tonight. Sad and going to bed.

Out...Out...Out

Well the red curtain hasn't dropped, but we did get the unfortunate BFN ON 12DPO AND 13 DPO. So now what? I think a trip to the fertility specialist and possibly upping the clomid. It is all so damn frustrating. We do have a possible option of using a known donor. He is 50, but in great shape. He works out daily and eats a healthy diet. Should we be concerned with his age? This is all new to us...are there steps we take to protect ourselves?



All we can do...is put our boots back on.

Monday Thoughts

It's Monday afternoon. I'm having a lazy day. Not doing anything on my list. I did have my egg m.c.muffin this morning and ate pineapple through 5dpo. I can't help but feel silly doing this stuff. I have loved not temping and the couple evenings of wine.

As for symptoms... not really much. I have been a little crampy and tired- yesterday and today. Although today's may be secondary to my laziness.

Looking ahead for two things: a BFP and the vp debate this week.

Overwhelmed

I just go off the phone with the mortgage people for our rental property. Trying to get out money from some of the equity. Can't do it. Debt to income ratio is too high. Why? because we have spent $17,000.00 trying to have a baby. We are out of money. Well, sure we could charge it up more... but I feel like I am drowning in debt and have nothing but a painful memory, a whole in my heart, an ultrasound picture of my baby that died and a closet full of baby clothes with no baby to put them on. This really is our last try for a while. Tick tock goes my clock. I wanted a few children. Not looking so hopeful for that. I'll turn 33 years old this winter. Our plan was to sell our other house to pay back all of this, but the market crashed on us before we made our move. Now it will be a few years before it comes back. I don't have a few years. Why didn't I sell it earlier!

I was looking up the famed RE two hours away from us last night. Thinking I would call them just in case. But now... where would I get that money and the travel costs over there and La gets 8 whole days off a year including her sick time. So I will have to go alone. Which in the scheme of things is not a big deal but since I'm whining I might as well throw it all in. It all feels so hopeless. I can't put all my hope into this TWW. I would be crushed. So I have to prepare myself that this was the last time and who knows when I will be able to feel a baby growing inside me and hold him or her in my arms and love them forever. who knows when?

One in... one to go

Alright, one IUI done. Last night at midnight. We had a positive OPK yesterday morning from urine I had been holding from 6pm the night before, but fell asleep and never voided. So would it have been positive Sat night? who knows? My temps are all wacky. We had the brilliant idea to turn the a/c off Saturday night because it was a cooler night then usual but not as cool as the a/c being on, so my temp was much higher Sunday morning because the house was warmer. We were not even thinking. (You would think when you have $1200.00 worth of sperm in your foyer, you would pay attention this stuff.) So last night when it was a warmer evening, we wanted to turn the a/c back on but were afraid to screw up my temps further, so this morning was even higher. Whatever. We are taking the laid back approach this time with temps. No temping in the TWW. I may even have some wine! ;-) One more IUI to go. Maybe tonight or in the morning. We feel like we jump the gun sometimes because I have mid pain for a couple days, so I can't tell the exact moment of ovulation. I sure wish I could just look in and see my follicles, but I guess if I could do that I would just drop in the sperm and save them the trip.

Working on my to-do list today. Oh and what the hell.... we are going for the pineapple thing this time and La tells me last night I have to eat an egg mc.muffin on DPO 10. Really? Again- whatever. I enjoy an egg mc.muffin so I'll eat it. I'd stick a needle between each of my toes and eat squid yuck! if it helps.

Happy Monday Everyone!

Something More

So we're ready for some changes....Ready for something more. We're puttin those boots on and waiting for our green light. Ready for a baby.....

FYI Governor P.alin

I have been ranting about this Republican VP pick since the convention. I turned on the TV just in time to hear the part where she raises her voices to say "drill and drill now". Whoa, this is how they are talking about this. This is the best they have. Next is the low blow about the "community organizer". What? are you kidding me. I was shocked. My most resent rant is the comment "I didn't blink", when asked to be the VP. What!! Who doesn't blink when asked to take on such a role. If I was contacted tomorrow about running the country's new birth program, I'd blink, and I know about birth. The fact that she openly states that she didn't blink really says to me how unprepared she is for this... never mind her actual credentials, or rather lack of credentials. While she is touting her conservative views perhaps she should take a better look at the life of her saviour. She may gain a new appreciation for the community organizers among us.

Nice weekend Getaway

We have just returned from my parents......and boy do they spoil us. It was nice to get away from it all. So, as I said before, we pull our boots up and try again. Keep us in your prayers. Prayers for my co-worker too...she was 4wks and lost her baby this weekend.

Saturday evening we saw the most beautiful rainbow, we have ever seen. There was actually a double rainbow and one of them was a complete half circle with each color as clear and crisp as it could be. It was unbelievable!

What the F**k

This is how I(we) felt this morning. Ali's temp dropped for the second day in a row. So there was really no need to test......besides,can you kick us in the stomach one more time.....I don't think we're feeling those blows you deal us every month. So.......I don't know what to say. We cry...get angry.....and then she comes...that red...the one you dread seeing when trying to conceive. She's here, but not for long. We will pull up our boots and march on. Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

Recurrent Dream

First let me say for the record dear, I am not bitchy...emotional -yes, occasionally snappy- yes, bitchy- let's reserve for when I really am! :-)

I have had this "twin" dream several times now. And I am not even sure they are twins. They are always boy/girl and appear at different ages in these dreams. The first time I saw them I'd say was really a vision. It was during a fertility massage and I was doing the guided imagery to welcome the baby's spirit I was supposed to be doing and they appeared. I could not tell if they were twins or if they different ages but very close together. They were about 8 years old and oddly enough were wearing L.itt.le Ho..ouse on th.e Pr.ai.re type clothing. I have no idea what that was about, will save that for a more experienced interpreter. Since then I have dreamed at night about them. Sometimes they are babies, sometimes toddlers. This most recent dream, I didn't know I was pregnant and all of the sudden was in labor and had a girl. We were in a hotel room somewhere and my midwife didn't know a thing about it. I was amazed that it didn't hurt that bad.. DEFINITELY A DREAM! As I was trying to figure all this out in my dream (real/not real/what the hell in going on) the next morning when I woke up there were two babies... the other a boy. We had nothing prepared, La had picked up some used car seats from somewhere which I was very uncomfortable about for safety reasons as the babies kept falling out of them. Even though they are together in my dreams, I wake up with this feeling that they are not twins, but that they are brother and sister close in age. So who knows... twins/not twins...a look into our future is all I pray!

And KJ why the hell you keep popping into my dreams every now and then, I have no idea!

11 DPO

This is what I know so far. 1.)sore boobs 2.) could cry any moment 3.) lower back is killing her 4.) vivid baby dreams(KJ and the kids was in one dream) not to mention one dream was also about twins 5.) brief hot flashes 6.) Temps still high 7.) Bitchy( love you honey....mean it)



We went on a walk last night...as I am trying to slim down. We talked about the "what if" it doesn't work this time......Ali was a little choked up. I hate this for her. I am trying to stay as positive as I can. If I just had a migic wand......



Prayers for all of you who are in TTC and TWW

The Price Is Right

Anyone remember the game on the price is right, where the little man climbs the mountain and the plan is not have him fall off. Well, holy shit....that's how Alis's temps look this month. They keep rising and rising....I have never seen anything like it in our 2 years of trying. I will try to post this. We are 5dpo today. If I had to guess by these temps...it looks good to me(but it always does)

Damn Fay...a baby name we won't choose

As you may know the scorned woman Fay has left us in a mess. Trees down....flooded homes and streets...and without power in this freakin heat. I would like to say we stuck around for it, but we headed north, to NC TO PICK UP MY BEAUTIFUL NEW TRUCK. I will say, our trip up was not without any of her lashings. The wind blew and blew and the rain kept coming. We couldn't believe the bands went with us all the way til NC and then sunny skies....HALLELUJAH! We spent 2 beautiful days there before heading home last night. We made it home at 12:30am...safe and sound and were glad to see our home was OK. The street to get out of it is closed today and it is still raining with off and on down pours. I here Jim Cantore from the weather channel was in our neck of the woods. Wow!...you know it's big when he comes to town.

There is a funny and bright side to this trip...besides my shiny truck. We were due for our insemination this weekend. Me and my friend both bought new trucks about a month ago and had to pick them up this weekend, since the dealerships 30 day hold was coming up next week. We really had no other choice but to leave over the weekend. We were staying with my friend's, friends. We have never met these people; though they have heard of us and knew we were trying to conceive. So, we took our swimmies with us. Crazy.......probably........but what a story to tell our future child. The swimmies made a trek through torturous tropical storm Fay. And yes.....we did it! So we are officially again in TWW (TROPICAL WET WEATHER.:)

San Francisco

We are back from our trip to San Fransisco. We had a good time. We traveled the city and wine country. My favorite spot was Muir woods...and I wished we had more time to spend in natures tranquility. The Castro, largest Gay mecca....was awesome. Traveling the Pacific coast highway at night.....it was cold and foggy...looked like something right out of a movie....complete ghost town. The sea lions were adorable and amusing. Asia SF the ultimate female illusionist show...was HOT! The weather and people were GREAT! I can't wait to go back when we can spend more time. We ate lots of great food......I think we both gained at least 5lbs. We didn't get married (legally) will do that next time too. So we are back to the grind.....we got another BFN...timing issue? We will try again...

A year ago today

For our Angel:
"Now I lay you down to sleep,
I pray the Lord your soul to keep;
Within his arms he'll hold you tight,
My Heavenly Angel, My Guiding Light."
We miss you deeply!

For My Wife:
"May there be angels to uplift you, prayers to empower you and love to turn your fears to faith"

I love you!

Baby Showers

Our time has been spent a little like this.....Saturday....Baby shower #1 for a friend from church whose baby is already here, and she is beautiful...I got to hold her for most of the shower...and loved every minute of it.......Sunday Baby shower #2This shower was for a friend of ours niece, who is 16 and is 7mo's pregnant. She's having a girl! Our wonderful friends came and gathered for a baby shower last night. Em has been blessed by their generosity and love. We had such a great time!

Ali and I have been spending the other half of our time, in meditation.(a first for us together)besides her acupuncture appointments. I'm trying to DE-stress some of her anxieties and..... STRESS! I'm hoping the calmness brings about positive energy to help with conception.:)

So Sweet

Still getting to part 2 on Monday...

But received this tonight and it is so sweet. Grab a tissue.

Can I just scream?

A VERY LONG Monday in a nutshell: Part 1

I decided to leave the house early (9am on my day off) and run a couple errands and then get home to clean. While I was out I noticed the roads were sparse and I was by the mall so I thought I'll run to S.ea.r.s and get an oil change. I am about 4,000 miles over at this point. Man says 30-45 minutes, great, I go walk around the mall and return, get my car and am feeling great about myself and my achievement. (actually getting an oil change is a big deal for me) I am about 8 miles from the place going about 55mph on a three lane busy road and BAM! my hood flies up and slams against my windshield! Woah! What the hell is that? I slow down and start to pull over from what very little I can see out of the bottom of my washer blades. I get out, pull the hood down only to find not only is it bend, dented and paint cracked it will not close. UGHH! you have got to be kidding me. I call the before mentioned store and explain my current predicament and the gentleman says I'll send out a tow truck. So I wait and wait and wait. Sheriff comes... are you alright mam, yes thank you... just pissed (under my breath)

Bubba the tow man gets here finally and with out a word back up his truck under my car, cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I decide well I better get out, I don't think it is legal to ride in here.
He says to me 'did you wreck it?' I said 'what, no and explained...' He said 'I'm just asking, cuz I'll get in trouble if you did' what? whatever.
So I get in his truck to ride back to oil place, he gets in says nothing.
I say 'what is your name?',
'Lance',
'hi, I am A'.
I proceed to fasten my seat belt for which he asks is my emergency break on, I say yes and he shakes his head and shrugs at me as if to say 'stupid lady'... back to my seat belt I go, he gets back in and says 'that doesn't work'.
"what doesn't work?'
'your seat belt'
'what do you mean it doesn't work?'
'well you can hold it if you like'
'what! I'm not holding this, where is the seat belt, I'm not riding in a vehicle without a seat belt'

'it's not required by law in a commercial vehicle'
'what? you are carrying passengers that is crazy'
' hey I just work here'
' well who owns this company and what is their number'
I call Jim, he acts like oh my I had no idea, I'll fix that right away. Oh yeah right.
So off we go toenails gripping the floorboard and THEN this guy lights up a cigarette. I just about lost it and I'm afraid I was just a plain bitch.
'AND WHAT if I told you I was allergic to cigarette smoke!!?!'
and without a word he put it out on the side of his window and we did not say another word for the next 12 minutes back to oil place, all the while wishing I had stayed buckled in my own car being towed.

Part 2
Back at the shop...WE DON'T THINK WE ARE RESPONSIBLE! The hell you are not. I'll finish this post later. Gotta go get ready to cut hair and an acupuncture appt.

M.iss.ion seems Im.pos.sib.le

So you can probably guess...we are again, babyless. I wonder when this road becomes easy? At what point do you just say I can't do this anymore? At what point do you allow the desperation to subject yourself to any medical procedure to get pregnant?I feel as if we have semi been there....clo.mid....fe.mar.a...hcg ....hystosalpingogram.....ultrasounds....bloodwork...accu-massage.......accpuncture...all for someone to tell you everything is fine. Well, where the hell is our baby? Sorry, frustration. I feel like we enter each cycle with such anticipation and despair. We find ourselves desperately reaching for anything. You find that each notion of a potential sympton of pregnancy....a twinge...tender breasts...fatigue...I would run out and buy upteen packages of do.ll.ar tr.ee brand tests waiting for that pink line. We have been let down and I have come to detest that pink line.

Our life has become focused on this infertilty. The grief,anger,and bargaining. When do you reach a tunnel of aaceptance? Nothing is broken, just imbalanced. So we go on...right..that's what you do. It's a painful journey.

For my beautiful wife who stands tall and graceful....I am AMAZED!
I Love You

Nothing to report

Well, it's 6DPO (edited, thanks to Merr, keeping track of my cycle days :-)). Nothing to report in the TWW...yet. This is my year to work the 4th, so I will be spending my weekend at the hospital. La is off as she is for every holiday. That is by far the worst part of nursing. Having to leave your family on the holidays to go to work. And we don't even get paid well for doing it.. at least not here at the hospital I work I at. It would feel a little better if I felt adequately compensated for my trouble. I need to move to CA or really anywhere there is a nurses union would be better. Anywhere but here, where our two hospitals work in co-operation to keep the wages down. Uugh. It's an up hill battle. We need some heavy lobbyers in this state. Ok enough of that. I could tirade for days.

Wishing you lots of fun with family and friends and Dear God, please end this war soon!