Familiar tune **Updated**

Tested three days ago 12DPO... BFN. Tested yesterday... BFN.... This morning my period started... CD1.... sad :-(

I am about to call the RE office which is what we are instructed to do on CD1. If you remember this RE is treating us like we just started this process and wants to do 4 'natural' cycles. La and I sat last night as I felt my period looming and counted back. We did our first ICI in May 2006. Nine tries over the course of a year and May 2007 we were pregnant. That pregnancy ended in August and we started trying again Dec 2007. So here we are one year later, that's 12 IUI's in the last year. I think we qualify for something else. These RE 'natural' cycles are no different whatsoever from what we have been doing with the exception of a follicle check on CD12 and having to pay someone I don't know $200 to hold the syringe and push the 'trigger'.

That all being said, I am planning to call and say....We want something else. He has already said he would use FSH injections as our next step. We were trying to think back last night if any of you have used them and we could not remember. If you have, will you share your experience?

We'll see what they say... damn the next steps scare me.

La wanted to post this video, but when I watch it I feel like I can't breathe, so I didn't want her to put it up. These are the times we would like to have individual blogs. This is the link, but big warning to TTC'ers, it may suck your air out too.

**Update**

Called the RE. Spoke to the nurse. She offered me injectables or IVF. Either way the new process would start tomorrow. I need a sign. I need a drink. I need something. Maybe we should skip. We are going to D.C. for the inauguration. Maybe all that altitude is not good for TTC. I don't know. She said she thought we got way more bang for our buck with IVF even though it is $7,000 more than injectables. Oh what to do...

BELIEVE

It's done. IUI # oh who knows... more than 19... I won't dwell on that.

We are in the TWW. La says this is it! I came home last night and she had surprised me by having the nursery painting done. We have been trying out several colors over the last several months and finally found one we like. I'll post pics when it is done. Her new project is a mural in there. It was really sweet! Thank you, baby :-)

La said, 'Hey. did you notice they didn't give us an instruction card for if it doesn't work this time', I said 'yes'. To which she replied 'see I told you, that's because this is it'! I am amazed at her brave courage to leap un-abandoned, arms spread, wind in her face, not afraid to fall- belief. I'm in it tandem... trying to keep my eyes open. I believe.

When we got home our friend had sent this e-mail this morning at 5:36am

Be careful today (driving) !!!! May the spirit of fast moving sperm come upon you and attack your egg today !!!
Love you, T

Very sweet. We love you too!

Surge **Updated**

CD15 positive LH surge late last night and this morning.

Called office, waiting for returned call with IUI time.

**Update**

IUI scheduled for 8:45am tomorrow. Called work to switch my schedule to be off. I just realized tomorrow is my Dad's birthday. Tomorrow would be a great day to conceive!

Still... **updated**

13DPO. Boobs still tender and full.

HPT still BFN :-(

WTF

**update**

Still not pregnant. AF here. CD1 starts all over. U/S scheduled for CD12

Sad and frustrated...

It would have been a good story...

It would have been a good story if we had gotten pregnant the month we finally took the plunge to drive 2hrs to the RE after two years of trying... But it's not our story.

CD2

:-(

Flip a coin

It's been a while since we updated. We have decided to consult a RE. We had a choice between one in town that is new and I don't know anyone who has gotten pregnant there although the NP is a friend of mine or a RE that is 2hrs away and we know lots of people that have gotten pregnant with them. So after some back and forth, pros and cons, conversations with a few people we decided to go with the 2 hr away people. We have an appt there on the 27th.

In the meantime, I am due to ovulate on Sunday or Monday so we decided to go ahead and do one more with just us. Couldn't hurt... we might get lucky... there is the money thing, but I was reminded that people spend much more on things that depreciate. So... I got a smiley face +OPK tonight and we will insem I guess Monday morning. That will be 36hrs. We have done everything from 12-40hrs over the last two years. I have no idea what is best. The month we got pregnant we did a 24 and 36, but we only have one vial. Flip a coin.

No, again

AF came, uninvited, again. What else is there to say... another month farther away from motherhood.

TWW

We are officially in the TWW. My seat belt is fastened, I'm hanging on for the ride...

Hanging out

We are here. Hanging out in the tww. Ran into a midwife friend that informed us since we used hcg this cycle we will need to wait until 14 days after to test. She said the hcg stays in my system and could give me a false positive. I must admit there is some part of me that is so desperate to see those two pink lines again that I am tempted to test early even if it is false. This has been the longest tww since our miscarriage. I am not sure why.

Today was a rough day at work. I had a 13wk miscarriage that needed a d&c. Brings back memories. Today was the first time I ever told a patient that I had lost a baby too. It just came out. She was asking me questions about the procedure, if it was going to hurt, how long she would bleed, when she could have sex again. (she informed me she planned to be pregnant at her 6 week check up). She seemed to be relieved in some way that I knew what she was going through and for me it was freeing to finally tell someone I had been a mother too. Even if just for a short time. I get asked all the time by patients if I have children. I always so no. Their next question is usually -do you want them? To which I reply yes and then the conversation goes on from there about how long have you been married, what are you waiting for, etc... Sometimes I just want to scream I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS, AND EVEN SUCCEEDED ONCE BUT MY BABY DIED...YES I WANT CHILDREN!

But that would be a little off putting to most patients and they are really not there to hear about me so I smile and try to get off the subject as quickly as possible. In the last week two of my co-workers announced they are pregnant. 4wks. With one it is her first baby. Now I would not think to announce that that early . Then I had this crazy thought- do the people that announce early get to keep their babies. But I know the answer to that is no. There is no rhyme or reason to this stuff. No Deity holding us on strings like puppets. It would not make sense that God has intention for this stuff. Why would I be laboring a 13 year old who got pregnant when she was 12yo and women in their thirties, in a loving supportive relationship, either can't get pregnant or can't stay pregnant. No sense. I am convinced God is here to walk with us during such times but does not intend us sorrow.

In other news, my mother is still here visiting from way back in October. I think she may be leaving this weekend, so I am going to spend tomorrow with her. Oh and a friend came over a few weeks ago and put up shelving in the closets in our office/guest room and the will be nursery. I love it! AND she hung up all the baby clothes we have picked up on clearance or were given. I love that closet. I like to just go stand in it. It gives me hope! :-) Many many thanks, S.

A New Approach

It is 2dpo today. I got my rise in temp yesterday. Still never got a peak on the CB machine. I am going to return the last box of sticks and exchange for new ones. And I have a new mantra this time.

We had a friend, a spiritual mentor type friend, come over on Sunday. She has been one of our prayer partners on this journey and the week prior at church said she wanted to do some work with us before the next insem. We sat together and she talked about breathing and deep belly meditative breathing and how important it is for healing and overall health. And then she began to talk about our desires and prayer and gave us a different approach. I had always been in a "God, I really want/need this, Please help, Please make it happen, Please..." But she talked about our desires as being God seeded. In other words it is not me just wanting something and asking for it. It was God that put that desire in us to begin with and absolutely wants to fulfill that in our lives. So rather than me do the wrestling prayer of "oh please God", my new mantra prayer is simply "Thank you, God". Believing that although I don't know when ( and sooner for me would be better :-) for me), God is going to complete the work He began.

We then did some breathing work and she did some R*eiki on me. My eyes were closed so I could not see how that is done, but I felt "warm" moving up and down my body. We read a couple prayers about hope and longing and then she prayed over us. It felt really good.

Long deep breath... Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God.

Timing is everything

OMG. There is something wrong with our OPK sticks this month, I swear. They are cloudy looking. Not reliable. Inaccurate. So here is the story. Last month the opk didn't detect the LH in time ie I ovulated the night before I got my peak. So we were behind the eight ball. Ok we know the rest of the story...BFN.

Now this month I was ready. Ready to pay attention to my body, took extra OPK's from another brand. We did an insem on CD13 night (which is when I ovulated that month) even though my sticks didn't say to do so. Then the next day (CD 14 the day I usually ovulate) we put #2 on hold waiting for an LH surge. None in the morning. Talked to the MW, decided we would do it in the evening. Then became obsessed with how long frozen washed sperm lives inside the body before dying. Internet says everything from 12hours to 3days. BIG DIFFERENCE. Come on people...

Ok so called the MW back we decided it was at least 24hrs. Then started talking about follicles etc. Remember I took Clo*mid this month. We decided to call another MW who is now working as an ARNP for a new RE in town. She said "what are you doing right now" I said "nothing" she said why don't come over and let me look at you. So jumped in the car, drove over there. She did an ultrasound and found I only had one mature follicle. A lot of good that cl*omid did.

Anyways. She suggested I get a stat estrogen level done and then could do an HCG shot if I wanted. Decided I didn't want the hcg as I thought I would ovulate today anyways, but was curious about the estrogen level. Well 2hrs later, 2 labs later, I am driving home practicing my meditation belly breathing because both labs refused to run the test stat. They say that it is not one of the one's they do stat. It didn't matter that I had a doctor's order and they have a contract with the hospital lab here to run them STAT since the new RE came to town. It was all I could do not to jump over that counter through the little square hole at that woman. But instead, I consciously expanded my belly and my back over and over... and then I felt better. :-)

Fast forward to last night we decided to do #2 insem at 10pm and today I have felt ovulatory all day today (CD #15). So the big question is... how long does sperm live (frozen, washed) and if it is at least 24hrs then we are ok if it is less than 24hrs.... not so good.

Wow that was a mouthful.

Noon Today

I started my period at noon today :-(

I am disappointed, but making plans for next month. I think the repeated negatives have given us time to soften the blow. That is interesting about your friend K who got negatives until the day after her period. I'll keep that thought in my hope chest for next month. :-)

My CNM is calling in clomid, will start it in a couple days. We have to decide about the donor- use the same, pick different. We have gone through 4 or 5 different ones over the past 18 months. OMG has it been that long, it sure has. What ever happened to my idea that I was super fertile and could have 100 kids if I wanted them. A little girls dreams...

Thank you all for your well wishes, thoughts and prayers. We appreciate them.

Ah, the TWW for the TWW begins again...

#10 One down... one to go

I'm not sure how I feel. I mean I feel a little crampy, ok, that is fine. But I mean how I feel now that I might be pregnant again. Tonight's IUI went well. We didn't get to see the swimmers under the microscope (La's favorite part) because we were at the MW house. But all other parts went smoothly even that nasty little tenaculum, argh, wasn't too bad. The really good news is the IUI catheter went in really easily. The last IUI that resulted in pregnancy the catheter went in farther than it ever had before with a 'pop' noise even. We think that was part of our success, so it going in so well tonight is a good sign. I thought about K&M's bag of specials today, but had to work this morning so didn't get a chance to round anything up. Don't know what I would put in it. (I think y'all should just sell duplicates of yours :-) )

I started feeling very ovulatory last night so I fretted some today about the timing... are we waiting too late, oh no! But then I opened up an e-mail devotional I get from C*athedral of H*ope in Dallas, anyone know it- the largest gay church in the world. Anyways today's lesson was about timing, God's timing and faith that God's timing is right. Now I was not too pleased with this concept when we 'lost' (still hate that word) our first baby, but I am trusting that since I cannot see the whole picture that God's timing is perfect. So I felt that was just for me today and I was able to relax more.

So this was IUI #10, first try after miscarriage, no clomid this time, temping- check, CB fertililty monitor-check, R*obitussin nightly-check, evening p*rimrose oil daily-check (just until ovulation), PNV-check, two vials...one down(up)...one to go

Tomorrow morning 8am we will be at it again and then ah the TWW...

Oh and...Holla! Our first night alone in three weeks, yeah! My mom is coming back tomorrow :-)