Monday Thoughts

It's Monday afternoon. I'm having a lazy day. Not doing anything on my list. I did have my egg m.c.muffin this morning and ate pineapple through 5dpo. I can't help but feel silly doing this stuff. I have loved not temping and the couple evenings of wine.

As for symptoms... not really much. I have been a little crampy and tired- yesterday and today. Although today's may be secondary to my laziness.

Looking ahead for two things: a BFP and the vp debate this week.

Overwhelmed

I just go off the phone with the mortgage people for our rental property. Trying to get out money from some of the equity. Can't do it. Debt to income ratio is too high. Why? because we have spent $17,000.00 trying to have a baby. We are out of money. Well, sure we could charge it up more... but I feel like I am drowning in debt and have nothing but a painful memory, a whole in my heart, an ultrasound picture of my baby that died and a closet full of baby clothes with no baby to put them on. This really is our last try for a while. Tick tock goes my clock. I wanted a few children. Not looking so hopeful for that. I'll turn 33 years old this winter. Our plan was to sell our other house to pay back all of this, but the market crashed on us before we made our move. Now it will be a few years before it comes back. I don't have a few years. Why didn't I sell it earlier!

I was looking up the famed RE two hours away from us last night. Thinking I would call them just in case. But now... where would I get that money and the travel costs over there and La gets 8 whole days off a year including her sick time. So I will have to go alone. Which in the scheme of things is not a big deal but since I'm whining I might as well throw it all in. It all feels so hopeless. I can't put all my hope into this TWW. I would be crushed. So I have to prepare myself that this was the last time and who knows when I will be able to feel a baby growing inside me and hold him or her in my arms and love them forever. who knows when?

One in... one to go

Alright, one IUI done. Last night at midnight. We had a positive OPK yesterday morning from urine I had been holding from 6pm the night before, but fell asleep and never voided. So would it have been positive Sat night? who knows? My temps are all wacky. We had the brilliant idea to turn the a/c off Saturday night because it was a cooler night then usual but not as cool as the a/c being on, so my temp was much higher Sunday morning because the house was warmer. We were not even thinking. (You would think when you have $1200.00 worth of sperm in your foyer, you would pay attention this stuff.) So last night when it was a warmer evening, we wanted to turn the a/c back on but were afraid to screw up my temps further, so this morning was even higher. Whatever. We are taking the laid back approach this time with temps. No temping in the TWW. I may even have some wine! ;-) One more IUI to go. Maybe tonight or in the morning. We feel like we jump the gun sometimes because I have mid pain for a couple days, so I can't tell the exact moment of ovulation. I sure wish I could just look in and see my follicles, but I guess if I could do that I would just drop in the sperm and save them the trip.

Working on my to-do list today. Oh and what the hell.... we are going for the pineapple thing this time and La tells me last night I have to eat an egg mc.muffin on DPO 10. Really? Again- whatever. I enjoy an egg mc.muffin so I'll eat it. I'd stick a needle between each of my toes and eat squid yuck! if it helps.

Happy Monday Everyone!

Something More

So we're ready for some changes....Ready for something more. We're puttin those boots on and waiting for our green light. Ready for a baby.....

FYI Governor P.alin

I have been ranting about this Republican VP pick since the convention. I turned on the TV just in time to hear the part where she raises her voices to say "drill and drill now". Whoa, this is how they are talking about this. This is the best they have. Next is the low blow about the "community organizer". What? are you kidding me. I was shocked. My most resent rant is the comment "I didn't blink", when asked to be the VP. What!! Who doesn't blink when asked to take on such a role. If I was contacted tomorrow about running the country's new birth program, I'd blink, and I know about birth. The fact that she openly states that she didn't blink really says to me how unprepared she is for this... never mind her actual credentials, or rather lack of credentials. While she is touting her conservative views perhaps she should take a better look at the life of her saviour. She may gain a new appreciation for the community organizers among us.

Nice weekend Getaway

We have just returned from my parents......and boy do they spoil us. It was nice to get away from it all. So, as I said before, we pull our boots up and try again. Keep us in your prayers. Prayers for my co-worker too...she was 4wks and lost her baby this weekend.

Saturday evening we saw the most beautiful rainbow, we have ever seen. There was actually a double rainbow and one of them was a complete half circle with each color as clear and crisp as it could be. It was unbelievable!

What the F**k

This is how I(we) felt this morning. Ali's temp dropped for the second day in a row. So there was really no need to test......besides,can you kick us in the stomach one more time.....I don't think we're feeling those blows you deal us every month. So.......I don't know what to say. We cry...get angry.....and then she comes...that red...the one you dread seeing when trying to conceive. She's here, but not for long. We will pull up our boots and march on. Thank you for your continued support and prayers.

Recurrent Dream

First let me say for the record dear, I am not bitchy...emotional -yes, occasionally snappy- yes, bitchy- let's reserve for when I really am! :-)

I have had this "twin" dream several times now. And I am not even sure they are twins. They are always boy/girl and appear at different ages in these dreams. The first time I saw them I'd say was really a vision. It was during a fertility massage and I was doing the guided imagery to welcome the baby's spirit I was supposed to be doing and they appeared. I could not tell if they were twins or if they different ages but very close together. They were about 8 years old and oddly enough were wearing L.itt.le Ho..ouse on th.e Pr.ai.re type clothing. I have no idea what that was about, will save that for a more experienced interpreter. Since then I have dreamed at night about them. Sometimes they are babies, sometimes toddlers. This most recent dream, I didn't know I was pregnant and all of the sudden was in labor and had a girl. We were in a hotel room somewhere and my midwife didn't know a thing about it. I was amazed that it didn't hurt that bad.. DEFINITELY A DREAM! As I was trying to figure all this out in my dream (real/not real/what the hell in going on) the next morning when I woke up there were two babies... the other a boy. We had nothing prepared, La had picked up some used car seats from somewhere which I was very uncomfortable about for safety reasons as the babies kept falling out of them. Even though they are together in my dreams, I wake up with this feeling that they are not twins, but that they are brother and sister close in age. So who knows... twins/not twins...a look into our future is all I pray!

And KJ why the hell you keep popping into my dreams every now and then, I have no idea!

11 DPO

This is what I know so far. 1.)sore boobs 2.) could cry any moment 3.) lower back is killing her 4.) vivid baby dreams(KJ and the kids was in one dream) not to mention one dream was also about twins 5.) brief hot flashes 6.) Temps still high 7.) Bitchy( love you honey....mean it)



We went on a walk last night...as I am trying to slim down. We talked about the "what if" it doesn't work this time......Ali was a little choked up. I hate this for her. I am trying to stay as positive as I can. If I just had a migic wand......



Prayers for all of you who are in TTC and TWW