I just go off the phone with the mortgage people for our rental property. Trying to get out money from some of the equity. Can't do it. Debt to income ratio is too high. Why? because we have spent $17,000.00 trying to have a baby. We are out of money. Well, sure we could charge it up more... but I feel like I am drowning in debt and have nothing but a painful memory, a whole in my heart, an ultrasound picture of my baby that died and a closet full of baby clothes with no baby to put them on. This really is our last try for a while. Tick tock goes my clock. I wanted a few children. Not looking so hopeful for that. I'll turn 33 years old this winter. Our plan was to sell our other house to pay back all of this, but the market crashed on us before we made our move. Now it will be a few years before it comes back. I don't have a few years. Why didn't I sell it earlier!
I was looking up the famed RE two hours away from us last night. Thinking I would call them just in case. But now... where would I get that money and the travel costs over there and La gets 8 whole days off a year including her sick time. So I will have to go alone. Which in the scheme of things is not a big deal but since I'm whining I might as well throw it all in. It all feels so hopeless. I can't put all my hope into this TWW. I would be crushed. So I have to prepare myself that this was the last time and who knows when I will be able to feel a baby growing inside me and hold him or her in my arms and love them forever. who knows when?
4 comments:
UGH !!! I remember these days. I remember when I thought to myself outloud...this is the last time for a while. Sometimes our minds are stronger than our softer hearts.
Usually our minds are what drives the rest of us, including our hearts. :)
When faced with IVF or bust I came to the conclusion and the understanding that.....we would pay $20,000 for a car. We would go on a trip and spend a lot of money too...kids are worth WAY MORE than any old car...so why not do it.
We sold our camping trailer, downsized our vehicles and we were even willing to move to a smaller house. (not an option for you right now) You just seem to find a way of pushing forward.
Now I'm not telling you to go in debt or to not wait a while. I'm just telling you what helped me when we were financially ruined from TTC.
We owe close to $7,000.00 on a 0% interest rate credit card that we keep rolling in to other 0% interest rates each year. but it's getting down there. We can see the light, and we have something money can't buy....but did.
Crossing my fingers it doesn't have to come to any of that :) now go have another drink. 2, 1 for me. (you know, because I'm out)
Totally there. We are finishing up our last try for quite awhile and it's not looking good for us right now. I might be surprised but most likely I will not be. I hope this is your turn this time.
I hope this is your time and you don't have to worry about all that other stuff.
My partner and I are in the same boat right now too. We inseminated on Sunday and Monday of this week. I'm hoping we have a winner...but I've thought that the every time. I hope you can stay strong no matter the results and please know that I'm right there with you.
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