Hanging out

We are here. Hanging out in the tww. Ran into a midwife friend that informed us since we used hcg this cycle we will need to wait until 14 days after to test. She said the hcg stays in my system and could give me a false positive. I must admit there is some part of me that is so desperate to see those two pink lines again that I am tempted to test early even if it is false. This has been the longest tww since our miscarriage. I am not sure why.

Today was a rough day at work. I had a 13wk miscarriage that needed a d&c. Brings back memories. Today was the first time I ever told a patient that I had lost a baby too. It just came out. She was asking me questions about the procedure, if it was going to hurt, how long she would bleed, when she could have sex again. (she informed me she planned to be pregnant at her 6 week check up). She seemed to be relieved in some way that I knew what she was going through and for me it was freeing to finally tell someone I had been a mother too. Even if just for a short time. I get asked all the time by patients if I have children. I always so no. Their next question is usually -do you want them? To which I reply yes and then the conversation goes on from there about how long have you been married, what are you waiting for, etc... Sometimes I just want to scream I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS, AND EVEN SUCCEEDED ONCE BUT MY BABY DIED...YES I WANT CHILDREN!

But that would be a little off putting to most patients and they are really not there to hear about me so I smile and try to get off the subject as quickly as possible. In the last week two of my co-workers announced they are pregnant. 4wks. With one it is her first baby. Now I would not think to announce that that early . Then I had this crazy thought- do the people that announce early get to keep their babies. But I know the answer to that is no. There is no rhyme or reason to this stuff. No Deity holding us on strings like puppets. It would not make sense that God has intention for this stuff. Why would I be laboring a 13 year old who got pregnant when she was 12yo and women in their thirties, in a loving supportive relationship, either can't get pregnant or can't stay pregnant. No sense. I am convinced God is here to walk with us during such times but does not intend us sorrow.

In other news, my mother is still here visiting from way back in October. I think she may be leaving this weekend, so I am going to spend tomorrow with her. Oh and a friend came over a few weeks ago and put up shelving in the closets in our office/guest room and the will be nursery. I love it! AND she hung up all the baby clothes we have picked up on clearance or were given. I love that closet. I like to just go stand in it. It gives me hope! :-) Many many thanks, S.