6dpo

Waiting... waiting...

Happy Valentines Day!

My wife made me a yummy dinner... french onion soup, a beautiful salad with roasted chicken AND delicious creme brulee. Oooh it was so good!

Feeling a few crampy twinges here and there. Trying to decide if we should test Monday. It will be 10dpo but also the due date of our first baby. So we are both off and planning to picnic or something special, but I'm not sure about testing. If it is positive, what a great day to find out. If it is negative, even though it is not for sure that early, it is always such a let down. Hmm... what to do

Preparing to Launch

Ah the life of a TTC'er. This was yesterday. 12hour shift starts at 7am. I called around the day before and finally found someone to stay late for me so I could get a final follicle check and estrogen level drawn. Wake up at 4:30am confused about my alarm, afraid I was not waking up in time etc.. Try to go back to sleep, trying to be still so I don't raise my temp, having a hard time falling back asleep, decide I better take my temp even though it is early before it gets too high from me being awake. Finally just get up!
POAS- supposed to be peak, it does not, whatever. Don't trust that thing anyways. Get showered, dressed, grab lunch and out the door 6:05am. First stop to the lab for blood.
Smile, give my information.
Lady says "oh we don't take this insurance, without a prior authorization".
What it is 6 in the morning how would you like me to get that?
Me- "Ok, can I call to get that?",
Lady- "you can try"
Me- :-)
Dial up insurance, get recording business hours 8:30-5:00p.
Sad eyes Me 'They are closed, what should I do? How much is it if I pay out of pocket?'
Lady- $104.00.
Hmm. decisions, decisions.
Kind lady-"I'll tell you what, I'll draw your blood and hold it and you work on getting the authorization"
SWEET! Thank you very much, kind lady

Leave the lab, run to the 24h C.V.S and get some OPK's for later. MW calls says we need to meet at 7am, instead of 7:30am, because she has a couple people in labor. Great no problem, I am up and ready. Get the ultrasound, follicles growing, looks good, will get estrogen result and decide about hcg trigger.

Arrive at work at 8:01am. Get report, my patient is pushing. (this obviously requires me to be in the room with her so no phone calls for authorization yet) Delivery 9:32 am, big 8#5oz baby, happy family, dad crying, mom crying. Beautiful. 10am MW still doing repair. Parents oohing over their baby, I seize my opportunity call the office. Authorization in the works. Great!

11:30am no word yet from the office on the authorization. Called them back, say it is still in the works. 12pm my MW calls says insurance won't cover it for a complicated reason that involves the RE in town and going through them. Whatever. We discuss and decide I will just pay the $104. Hang up call the lab, tell them the plan thinking they would bill me. Oh no, gotta pay first. OK, how about over the phone. No they only take checks and cash. Ok fine. Ask another nurse to watch my patients while I run over there. Luckily it is just a block away. Grab my purse. No checkbook. Arrgh! Leave the parking deck, go around to the front of the hospital, get money out of the ATM, drive to the lab. "Hi, I am here to pay my money." Kind lady getting out receipt booklet, tells me again it is $104, I have $110, she has no change, she says just pay $100. I say ok. I am holding the money out for her. The phone rings. She says hang on, answers the phone, starts waving her hand at me in a never mind fashion and starts writing down a bunch of numbers. Hangs up and says, "oh that was your doctor's office, they got the authorization". Stunned, feeling like I was just in a whirlwind. I say great! thanks. She says I can look up the result on the hospital computer in about an hour and a half. Fabulous.

Hi ho Hi ho, it's back to work I go. 12:30pm

Big long breath
All that for a little blood test. I really feel bad for patients. All the rigga mor ol (is that a real word) they have to go through and in this TTC world- no time to waste time.
Side note. The pharmacy has no hcg, it is on back order, so we cannot trigger and have to go with the ole nature's best. :-)

So that is yesterday in a nut shell minus the dozen vaginal deliveries we had and the half dozen c-sections plus all the other crazy stuff that hapens on the labor floor. What a day! I got home and my lovely wife had made breakfast for dinner. Yummo.

Still no peak this morning, but I don't believe it. My OPK's are getting darker and I am starting to feel those early ovulatory feelings. IUI this afternoon and then tomorrow. Ready to launch!

To you

We just don't know why some things happen in life, but sometimes we are brought to a better place and when we look back all the broken pieces make up what we have to offer today.
The road has been long and windy but there is no one I would rather be on the journey with than you. From those early days of bliss to the pulling, stretching, growing of ourselves and our relationship and all the ordinary days in between, I have grown to love you more each day. You are my rock, a reminder of all that is good and tender in the world, loving, passionate and the love of my life. And today I celebrate you. All that you already are and all that God is calling you to be. Happy Birthday LBB!!

I Love You, LG

Question

Does anybody know about or have any experience with the drug Letr.azol? The MW is recommending this instead of Cl.omid. It is supposed to have fewer side effects (although mine are not too bad). Anybody know anything about it??

Power Of Two - Indigo Girls

The Planet

Last night we headed out to the Ind*go Gir*s concert. We all decided to meet at a local spot for some food and cocktails. Well, I wish you all could have been there. I had to slap my face a few times....thinking I was at the planet (from the L W*RD) It was lesbian central. There were a few Shane's, maybe 2 Bette's, no Tina's, no yumm yumm Tasha's, and no, absolutely no Jenny's(yeah...sorry) The concert was incredible....!!!!!!!

In baby news....AF came....we will try again soon(?) We are in the process of choosing another donor(agghhh). Can we please have a sign posted on who we should pick.....wouldn't that be easy. I can dream...and pray....yes...pray!

I will be here - S*teven C*urtis C*hapman

Dear God

***Update*** AF here now, 14dpo

Today is 13dpo, temp drop......and BIG FAT NEGATIVE on hpt. For me, I just knew it to be true that we would be pregnant this time. This has been the longest and most anticipating tww. This cycle we up'd the clomid to 100mg...we had 2 good folicles....and we shot up with hcg. We inseminated at 12 and 36 hours.......so where's the +++++++?

I titled this post Dear God....wondering if our prayers were heard? We are faith filled christians, we have had people pray for us and over us. We have claimed it!

I am loosing my faith.....

God do you really get involved in the intricate details of this process?

We are emotionally and physically drained. Ali is silent, but her eyes tell the story that her lips cannot.

I know it's not over til......so I will try to have hope.

Thank you everyone for all your prayers and supprt .Please continue to pray with us and for us.

Ali...I love you baby! And I will be here!

Hormones

If she aint pregnant.......then the DEVIL wearing P.R.A.D.A. emerged this morning. I swear at one point when she was ripping me a new one, her eyes crossed and flames shot out from the top of her head. All I can say is WWWHHEEWWW!

Hanging out

We are here. Hanging out in the tww. Ran into a midwife friend that informed us since we used hcg this cycle we will need to wait until 14 days after to test. She said the hcg stays in my system and could give me a false positive. I must admit there is some part of me that is so desperate to see those two pink lines again that I am tempted to test early even if it is false. This has been the longest tww since our miscarriage. I am not sure why.

Today was a rough day at work. I had a 13wk miscarriage that needed a d&c. Brings back memories. Today was the first time I ever told a patient that I had lost a baby too. It just came out. She was asking me questions about the procedure, if it was going to hurt, how long she would bleed, when she could have sex again. (she informed me she planned to be pregnant at her 6 week check up). She seemed to be relieved in some way that I knew what she was going through and for me it was freeing to finally tell someone I had been a mother too. Even if just for a short time. I get asked all the time by patients if I have children. I always so no. Their next question is usually -do you want them? To which I reply yes and then the conversation goes on from there about how long have you been married, what are you waiting for, etc... Sometimes I just want to scream I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS, AND EVEN SUCCEEDED ONCE BUT MY BABY DIED...YES I WANT CHILDREN!

But that would be a little off putting to most patients and they are really not there to hear about me so I smile and try to get off the subject as quickly as possible. In the last week two of my co-workers announced they are pregnant. 4wks. With one it is her first baby. Now I would not think to announce that that early . Then I had this crazy thought- do the people that announce early get to keep their babies. But I know the answer to that is no. There is no rhyme or reason to this stuff. No Deity holding us on strings like puppets. It would not make sense that God has intention for this stuff. Why would I be laboring a 13 year old who got pregnant when she was 12yo and women in their thirties, in a loving supportive relationship, either can't get pregnant or can't stay pregnant. No sense. I am convinced God is here to walk with us during such times but does not intend us sorrow.

In other news, my mother is still here visiting from way back in October. I think she may be leaving this weekend, so I am going to spend tomorrow with her. Oh and a friend came over a few weeks ago and put up shelving in the closets in our office/guest room and the will be nursery. I love it! AND she hung up all the baby clothes we have picked up on clearance or were given. I love that closet. I like to just go stand in it. It gives me hope! :-) Many many thanks, S.

Peak Opk...advice

OK, question for all you bloggers. Peak on the opk, when would you do iui? I have read everything from 24-48 hours, but 36 seems to be when they are suggesting. We have always done 1 iui the night of the peak and then the next iui the following am. Ali knows she ovulates usually the night of her peak(well technically next day) usually around wee hours.. 2amish. So are we doing iui too early or right on schedule....any advice?

New Year...New Donor

It has been almost 2 years on this ttc journey. We have been through 4 donors, 11 iui's, and one BFP and the loss of that baby in Aug. Time really has flown by though. As Ali and I lay in bed reminiscing about 2007, it was hard to believe we have been on this journey 2 years. I can remember in the beginning and just knowing we would get pregnant right off the bat. Well, clearly that didn't happen, but we do know that we can.



It was here in 2007 blogland we met friends, shared our stories, and learned we are not alone. We learned that with donor #4, we could have been able to meet some families of blogs we already read. It was neat to see their babies and possibly what ours may have looked like. Unfortunately, he is not the one we have decided to continue on this journey. We have chosen a new donor, well we used him once before and something was tugging at us to try him again.

So, we leave 2007 with heartache and wonderful memories.
And we begin 2008 with a quest to have a baby and to continue with our mantra
Thank you God, Thank you God, Thank you God!
Many Blessings to you all!

Bah Humbug...

We had a wonderful time being off these past six days together. We spent time w/ Ali's family in S. FL. and will see my family in Jan.

Our BFN came last night on the 15thDPO. I just don't understand......I hurt for Ali. I watch her time and time again, to try and hold it all together. I think she knew on Christmas eve that we weren't pregnant this time.....she cried the whole day. I try to be positive and stick to our mantra...Thank you God, Thank you God, Thank you God. I am thankful, I am tired, I am hurting for Ali, I am sad, I am...

I dedicate to all those who are trying, who are grieving, who want to give up, who have lost hope...I share with you and as a reminder to myself....

I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. ~Rainer Maria Rilke ~

Thank you to our dear friend Susan who gave us this card when we lost our baby in Aug.

Post By La

Yummy Pecans

I had these pecans at a friends house today. They are wonderful!

Chili Pecans
Makes 1 1/2 cups

2 tsp peanut or vegetable oil
6 oz shelled pecans (1 1/2 cups)
1 1/2 tsp chili powder
3/4 tsp cayenne pepper ( now she had two batches and I like the 1/2 tsp better)
1 1/2 tsp kosher salt
1/2 tsp sugar
1tsp fresh lemon juice

Heat oil in heavy skillet on medium heat. Add nuts. Stir until dry and begin to sizzle (approx 8 min)
Sprinkle chili powder, cayenne pepper, salt and sugar over them and stir until evenly coated.
Sprinkle lemon juice into the skillet and cook until it has completely evaporated.
Turn nuts out onto several paper towels to drain. Cool slightly. Best when served warm ( I had them warm and room temp and they are great either way). May reheat in 350 deg oven for 4 minutes if needed.

Enjoy! If you make them let me know what you think.

A New Approach

It is 2dpo today. I got my rise in temp yesterday. Still never got a peak on the CB machine. I am going to return the last box of sticks and exchange for new ones. And I have a new mantra this time.

We had a friend, a spiritual mentor type friend, come over on Sunday. She has been one of our prayer partners on this journey and the week prior at church said she wanted to do some work with us before the next insem. We sat together and she talked about breathing and deep belly meditative breathing and how important it is for healing and overall health. And then she began to talk about our desires and prayer and gave us a different approach. I had always been in a "God, I really want/need this, Please help, Please make it happen, Please..." But she talked about our desires as being God seeded. In other words it is not me just wanting something and asking for it. It was God that put that desire in us to begin with and absolutely wants to fulfill that in our lives. So rather than me do the wrestling prayer of "oh please God", my new mantra prayer is simply "Thank you, God". Believing that although I don't know when ( and sooner for me would be better :-) for me), God is going to complete the work He began.

We then did some breathing work and she did some R*eiki on me. My eyes were closed so I could not see how that is done, but I felt "warm" moving up and down my body. We read a couple prayers about hope and longing and then she prayed over us. It felt really good.

Long deep breath... Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God.

Timing is everything

OMG. There is something wrong with our OPK sticks this month, I swear. They are cloudy looking. Not reliable. Inaccurate. So here is the story. Last month the opk didn't detect the LH in time ie I ovulated the night before I got my peak. So we were behind the eight ball. Ok we know the rest of the story...BFN.

Now this month I was ready. Ready to pay attention to my body, took extra OPK's from another brand. We did an insem on CD13 night (which is when I ovulated that month) even though my sticks didn't say to do so. Then the next day (CD 14 the day I usually ovulate) we put #2 on hold waiting for an LH surge. None in the morning. Talked to the MW, decided we would do it in the evening. Then became obsessed with how long frozen washed sperm lives inside the body before dying. Internet says everything from 12hours to 3days. BIG DIFFERENCE. Come on people...

Ok so called the MW back we decided it was at least 24hrs. Then started talking about follicles etc. Remember I took Clo*mid this month. We decided to call another MW who is now working as an ARNP for a new RE in town. She said "what are you doing right now" I said "nothing" she said why don't come over and let me look at you. So jumped in the car, drove over there. She did an ultrasound and found I only had one mature follicle. A lot of good that cl*omid did.

Anyways. She suggested I get a stat estrogen level done and then could do an HCG shot if I wanted. Decided I didn't want the hcg as I thought I would ovulate today anyways, but was curious about the estrogen level. Well 2hrs later, 2 labs later, I am driving home practicing my meditation belly breathing because both labs refused to run the test stat. They say that it is not one of the one's they do stat. It didn't matter that I had a doctor's order and they have a contract with the hospital lab here to run them STAT since the new RE came to town. It was all I could do not to jump over that counter through the little square hole at that woman. But instead, I consciously expanded my belly and my back over and over... and then I felt better. :-)

Fast forward to last night we decided to do #2 insem at 10pm and today I have felt ovulatory all day today (CD #15). So the big question is... how long does sperm live (frozen, washed) and if it is at least 24hrs then we are ok if it is less than 24hrs.... not so good.

Wow that was a mouthful.

Special Delivery

Swimmers are here!

H*PPY B*RTHDAY..CHA...CHA...CHA

To the most incredible, giving, and graceful person. I am blessed to have been brought into your life. I have learned through you the true meaning of giving. I admire your strength and wisdom. I know each day is a new day....and for all the woman you have helped bring life into this world.....are forever grateful for your tenderness and compassion. I pray a special B*rthday wish for you.....May God give you abundant baby dust this month.
May today bring you much happiness.

HAPPY....HAPPY....HAPPY.......B*RTHDAY TO YOU!

I Love You
La

Fa La La La La...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

We don't have snow. We don't even have chill. We've got a little breeze, some lights and a tree with that annoying half a strand of lights that has gone out right in the middle and I can't figure out which bulb is the problem. The better news is we are almost done decorating and it is only the second day of December. :) Over the weekend we made three batches of Christmas cookie treats and I have mastered the Bow*dabra.

Have you ever seen a cuter reindeer? Don't be fooled he loves it. My handsome man, Bosley.

Noon Today

I started my period at noon today :-(

I am disappointed, but making plans for next month. I think the repeated negatives have given us time to soften the blow. That is interesting about your friend K who got negatives until the day after her period. I'll keep that thought in my hope chest for next month. :-)

My CNM is calling in clomid, will start it in a couple days. We have to decide about the donor- use the same, pick different. We have gone through 4 or 5 different ones over the past 18 months. OMG has it been that long, it sure has. What ever happened to my idea that I was super fertile and could have 100 kids if I wanted them. A little girls dreams...

Thank you all for your well wishes, thoughts and prayers. We appreciate them.

Ah, the TWW for the TWW begins again...

Not looking good

Still negative. 13dpo. I'm bitchy, irritable, have a million

things on an imaginary to do list running through my head all day, crampy, my back hurts, I feel like I could come out of my skin.

Now my back could hurt because I rearranged the furniture

for two hours today... only to have La come home and say she didn't like it that way.

She had a good reason. We have this ongoing debate in our house about the need for television. I do enjoy a couple shows at night, but have no problem watching them on our little 19" tv. La on the other hand reminds me every chance she gets that we NEED a larger tv. Poor thing has to pull up a chair to the tv armoire and sit 2 feet away from it to see. It is true, our living room is quite large and that makes the tv seems about 12" so when she came home and the couch was on the opposite wall from the tv, she was definitely not feeling that...so... we moved the furniture again almost back to it's original place. I've posted a picture because La likes as many people as possible to feel her pain about this tv situation. See that little red swivel chair with the bags in it to the right of the tv- she pulls that chair around to watch the tv.

All this moving was to put the Christmas tree in a new place this year. We bought what was labeled a 7-8' tree, but I swear it is at least 10' if not more. It is humongous. We had to pull it out and move it to a different spot because the topper was bent at the ceiling. I'll post a picture later.

Back to the not looking good part. My guess is we will have another go at the tww next month but as we like to say it ain't over till it's over. I'll update as soon as I know for sure.

Waiting

Thanks KJ for the reminder to update...
I do feel an occasional "twitch"/cramp. Hmm... wonder what that means. I keep trying to remember what I felt last time. And I can't. It seems like I didn't feel much. I had this random feeling like we were pregnant, don't know why. We counted today that Thanksgiving day will be 9DPO so we will start PEOS then and see. We also couldn't remember what day we got our first positive last time. I wonder if I blogged about it. Good lord. I need some ginkgo biloba!! pitiful.

#10 One down... one to go

I'm not sure how I feel. I mean I feel a little crampy, ok, that is fine. But I mean how I feel now that I might be pregnant again. Tonight's IUI went well. We didn't get to see the swimmers under the microscope (La's favorite part) because we were at the MW house. But all other parts went smoothly even that nasty little tenaculum, argh, wasn't too bad. The really good news is the IUI catheter went in really easily. The last IUI that resulted in pregnancy the catheter went in farther than it ever had before with a 'pop' noise even. We think that was part of our success, so it going in so well tonight is a good sign. I thought about K&M's bag of specials today, but had to work this morning so didn't get a chance to round anything up. Don't know what I would put in it. (I think y'all should just sell duplicates of yours :-) )

I started feeling very ovulatory last night so I fretted some today about the timing... are we waiting too late, oh no! But then I opened up an e-mail devotional I get from C*athedral of H*ope in Dallas, anyone know it- the largest gay church in the world. Anyways today's lesson was about timing, God's timing and faith that God's timing is right. Now I was not too pleased with this concept when we 'lost' (still hate that word) our first baby, but I am trusting that since I cannot see the whole picture that God's timing is perfect. So I felt that was just for me today and I was able to relax more.

So this was IUI #10, first try after miscarriage, no clomid this time, temping- check, CB fertililty monitor-check, R*obitussin nightly-check, evening p*rimrose oil daily-check (just until ovulation), PNV-check, two vials...one down(up)...one to go

Tomorrow morning 8am we will be at it again and then ah the TWW...

Oh and...Holla! Our first night alone in three weeks, yeah! My mom is coming back tomorrow :-)

Countdown...

Monday morning. My mother-in-law is in the bathroom getting ready to head back home. I love spending time with her. Great lady, great mom. My mother we shipped (lovingly) to my sister's for a few days when La's mom arrived Friday. Yea, tho tonight we will not be alone either. A friend is having a tonsillectomy this morning so I will go pick her up this afternoon to bring her back to our house to recoup. But the big news is we are on countdown ..... to our IUI tomorrow. the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow... Yeah!! Our little swimmers will be here today (another reason my mother is at my sisters :-)), I got a high on my OPK, the catheters arrived at the MW office on Friday. All we need now is a speculum and a tenaculum and we will be all set :-0. The MW is running a tight schedule this week, so we will meet her at her house in a 30minute window between the office and a meeting tomorrow night and then again before the office on Wed morning. Getting excited... praying...hoping...believing.
Dear God, please bless us again with a baby to grow healthy and strong and whole...

Words to live by...

We are still here. My mom is visiting and had planned foot surgery while she is here so not much time to write on the blog. Especially since this whole TTC world of ours is not shared with her, yet. Good news! I started my period on Halloween...so 2 weeks till our next IUI. I'm so ready! I came across this poem today on a blog I had never read before and loved it.

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.