Damn Fay...a baby name we won't choose

As you may know the scorned woman Fay has left us in a mess. Trees down....flooded homes and streets...and without power in this freakin heat. I would like to say we stuck around for it, but we headed north, to NC TO PICK UP MY BEAUTIFUL NEW TRUCK. I will say, our trip up was not without any of her lashings. The wind blew and blew and the rain kept coming. We couldn't believe the bands went with us all the way til NC and then sunny skies....HALLELUJAH! We spent 2 beautiful days there before heading home last night. We made it home at 12:30am...safe and sound and were glad to see our home was OK. The street to get out of it is closed today and it is still raining with off and on down pours. I here Jim Cantore from the weather channel was in our neck of the woods. Wow!...you know it's big when he comes to town.

There is a funny and bright side to this trip...besides my shiny truck. We were due for our insemination this weekend. Me and my friend both bought new trucks about a month ago and had to pick them up this weekend, since the dealerships 30 day hold was coming up next week. We really had no other choice but to leave over the weekend. We were staying with my friend's, friends. We have never met these people; though they have heard of us and knew we were trying to conceive. So, we took our swimmies with us. Crazy.......probably........but what a story to tell our future child. The swimmies made a trek through torturous tropical storm Fay. And yes.....we did it! So we are officially again in TWW (TROPICAL WET WEATHER.:)

San Francisco

We are back from our trip to San Fransisco. We had a good time. We traveled the city and wine country. My favorite spot was Muir woods...and I wished we had more time to spend in natures tranquility. The Castro, largest Gay mecca....was awesome. Traveling the Pacific coast highway at night.....it was cold and foggy...looked like something right out of a movie....complete ghost town. The sea lions were adorable and amusing. Asia SF the ultimate female illusionist show...was HOT! The weather and people were GREAT! I can't wait to go back when we can spend more time. We ate lots of great food......I think we both gained at least 5lbs. We didn't get married (legally) will do that next time too. So we are back to the grind.....we got another BFN...timing issue? We will try again...

A year ago today

For our Angel:
"Now I lay you down to sleep,
I pray the Lord your soul to keep;
Within his arms he'll hold you tight,
My Heavenly Angel, My Guiding Light."
We miss you deeply!

For My Wife:
"May there be angels to uplift you, prayers to empower you and love to turn your fears to faith"

I love you!

Baby Showers

Our time has been spent a little like this.....Saturday....Baby shower #1 for a friend from church whose baby is already here, and she is beautiful...I got to hold her for most of the shower...and loved every minute of it.......Sunday Baby shower #2This shower was for a friend of ours niece, who is 16 and is 7mo's pregnant. She's having a girl! Our wonderful friends came and gathered for a baby shower last night. Em has been blessed by their generosity and love. We had such a great time!

Ali and I have been spending the other half of our time, in meditation.(a first for us together)besides her acupuncture appointments. I'm trying to DE-stress some of her anxieties and..... STRESS! I'm hoping the calmness brings about positive energy to help with conception.:)

So Sweet

Still getting to part 2 on Monday...

But received this tonight and it is so sweet. Grab a tissue.

Can I just scream?

A VERY LONG Monday in a nutshell: Part 1

I decided to leave the house early (9am on my day off) and run a couple errands and then get home to clean. While I was out I noticed the roads were sparse and I was by the mall so I thought I'll run to S.ea.r.s and get an oil change. I am about 4,000 miles over at this point. Man says 30-45 minutes, great, I go walk around the mall and return, get my car and am feeling great about myself and my achievement. (actually getting an oil change is a big deal for me) I am about 8 miles from the place going about 55mph on a three lane busy road and BAM! my hood flies up and slams against my windshield! Woah! What the hell is that? I slow down and start to pull over from what very little I can see out of the bottom of my washer blades. I get out, pull the hood down only to find not only is it bend, dented and paint cracked it will not close. UGHH! you have got to be kidding me. I call the before mentioned store and explain my current predicament and the gentleman says I'll send out a tow truck. So I wait and wait and wait. Sheriff comes... are you alright mam, yes thank you... just pissed (under my breath)

Bubba the tow man gets here finally and with out a word back up his truck under my car, cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I decide well I better get out, I don't think it is legal to ride in here.
He says to me 'did you wreck it?' I said 'what, no and explained...' He said 'I'm just asking, cuz I'll get in trouble if you did' what? whatever.
So I get in his truck to ride back to oil place, he gets in says nothing.
I say 'what is your name?',
'Lance',
'hi, I am A'.
I proceed to fasten my seat belt for which he asks is my emergency break on, I say yes and he shakes his head and shrugs at me as if to say 'stupid lady'... back to my seat belt I go, he gets back in and says 'that doesn't work'.
"what doesn't work?'
'your seat belt'
'what do you mean it doesn't work?'
'well you can hold it if you like'
'what! I'm not holding this, where is the seat belt, I'm not riding in a vehicle without a seat belt'

'it's not required by law in a commercial vehicle'
'what? you are carrying passengers that is crazy'
' hey I just work here'
' well who owns this company and what is their number'
I call Jim, he acts like oh my I had no idea, I'll fix that right away. Oh yeah right.
So off we go toenails gripping the floorboard and THEN this guy lights up a cigarette. I just about lost it and I'm afraid I was just a plain bitch.
'AND WHAT if I told you I was allergic to cigarette smoke!!?!'
and without a word he put it out on the side of his window and we did not say another word for the next 12 minutes back to oil place, all the while wishing I had stayed buckled in my own car being towed.

Part 2
Back at the shop...WE DON'T THINK WE ARE RESPONSIBLE! The hell you are not. I'll finish this post later. Gotta go get ready to cut hair and an acupuncture appt.

M.iss.ion seems Im.pos.sib.le

So you can probably guess...we are again, babyless. I wonder when this road becomes easy? At what point do you just say I can't do this anymore? At what point do you allow the desperation to subject yourself to any medical procedure to get pregnant?I feel as if we have semi been there....clo.mid....fe.mar.a...hcg ....hystosalpingogram.....ultrasounds....bloodwork...accu-massage.......accpuncture...all for someone to tell you everything is fine. Well, where the hell is our baby? Sorry, frustration. I feel like we enter each cycle with such anticipation and despair. We find ourselves desperately reaching for anything. You find that each notion of a potential sympton of pregnancy....a twinge...tender breasts...fatigue...I would run out and buy upteen packages of do.ll.ar tr.ee brand tests waiting for that pink line. We have been let down and I have come to detest that pink line.

Our life has become focused on this infertilty. The grief,anger,and bargaining. When do you reach a tunnel of aaceptance? Nothing is broken, just imbalanced. So we go on...right..that's what you do. It's a painful journey.

For my beautiful wife who stands tall and graceful....I am AMAZED!
I Love You

Nothing to report

Well, it's 6DPO (edited, thanks to Merr, keeping track of my cycle days :-)). Nothing to report in the TWW...yet. This is my year to work the 4th, so I will be spending my weekend at the hospital. La is off as she is for every holiday. That is by far the worst part of nursing. Having to leave your family on the holidays to go to work. And we don't even get paid well for doing it.. at least not here at the hospital I work I at. It would feel a little better if I felt adequately compensated for my trouble. I need to move to CA or really anywhere there is a nurses union would be better. Anywhere but here, where our two hospitals work in co-operation to keep the wages down. Uugh. It's an up hill battle. We need some heavy lobbyers in this state. Ok enough of that. I could tirade for days.

Wishing you lots of fun with family and friends and Dear God, please end this war soon!

Fi.nd.ing N.e.mo......and The E.gg

The swimmers have left the gate. Ali got her smiley face last night at 8pm. She usually only tests once a day w/first mornings pee. Here is the ironic part...I believe it's another sign. We ordered the sperm and it was to arrive today , well I walked out the front door yesterday to find it had arrived a day early. OK no biggie....right....well Ali the day before started getting that stretchy stuff...you know....and was like this is early this month. I thought nothing of it.

Hmmmm.......but I believe everything happens for a reason.....early stretchy...early sperm.....vivid dreams of a girl.

GO.....GO...GO......SWIM......SWIM.........SWIM......

~La

Bad...Bad...Blo.gger

Ok, so we are back from vacation. In our news, Ali had an acupuncture appointment last Tuesday and is scheduled for tomorrow and Sat. The seeds back in her ear. We are hopeful for another IUI attempt with the same donor this weekend(I think). Trying hard not to get any hopes up even though we both had dreams where Ali had a baby girl. Her dream was more vivid than mine. Ali saw the baby making these open mouth sucking movements during an ultrasound. What that all means????? who knows. This will be try #7 after our miscarriage. We are holding out for hope.....prayer....a miracle!

Landslide

Well, I thought for sure this was the time. Before we left for vacation Ali had an acupuncture appointment. It was a little rough start, but the acupuncturist gave us a little hope....she said Ali had a slippery pulse, and that she didn't want to give false hope, but she usually feels that in pregnant women...it was a good sign. There were all the signs of implantation dip, good temp rises....So I wish I could tell you we have a positive......but we have been let down again.......


So we're off to the beach on our last day of vacation, trying to stay positive.....as we painfully grieve another letdown.

Batter up

Well, I did it! Our first iui all by myself. I thought my pitch was good as I threw a slow ball to all those 35+ million little leaguers. Our midwife had shoulder surgery and had to sit this one out. It was a little stressful, but very romantic to be by ourselves.
So, here we go.....TWW.....

We are off for vacation to S.iest.a K.e.y. We will try to post and update on any news.

No worries......

We are back from our visit with my family. We had a wonderful time! Disney was slow and the weather was perfect.....I love when the longest wait for a ride is 20minutes, especially when you have four kids. I so admire my brother. He has 2 sets of twins 11 months apart and one is autistic. Did I mention he is a single dad, but has a lovely new girlfriend. We sit and laugh about what girl in her right mind chooses a man w/ 4 children.

My brother teaches spin class at a local YMCA in his hometown.....and he tells his story of how he would teach the class, and as they are riding along....he complains about his divorce, how is he is lonely, and that he has four kids. I can so picture him as he scopes out the females to see who will bite in his "woe is me" story. Well, Candy did. She has the sweetest spirit and calmest voice I have ever met in someone. She comes from a large family and always wanted a ball team for children, but is happy with my brother's four. I am so happy for him!

For us....sperm is here...we decided to use only one vial this time. It only takes one...right? I will have Ali post pics soon.

Ste.ven Curt.is Chap.man

Many of you who read this blog, know that ste.ven Curt.is Chap.man is my all time favorite christian artist. Please pray for his family,as tragedy struck,when their 16yo son was driving the SUV and did not see his 5yo sister when he hit her. She was the youngest of the three Chinese children him and his wife adopted. This is a devastating loss for this family. It's such a big lesson for me, that tragedy may strike at any time...so tell those you care/love just how much they mean to you.
So to all who read here and comment or just lurk....Thank you my blog-friends.

Disney

We are off to central Florida to visit my parents. My brother is coming down with my nieces and nephews. He has 2 sets of b/g twins 11 months apart, and we are going to D.I.S.N.E.Y!!!! They are 5 and 6yo now...so I think this will be a great age to have so much fun. I can't wait....

Below are pictures of the twins taken about a year ago. Joshua and Sophia go together born at 24 and 25wks gestation... 5 days apart... in seperate years. And Jake and Stella go together born at 35wks... in the same year as their older brother Joshua. They are basically quads.

Jake
Joshua
Stella
Sophia

No, again

AF came, uninvited, again. What else is there to say... another month farther away from motherhood.

11 DPO OR 12?????

Ali seems to think today is 11 DPO....she put all the information on her ovulation calender, but the day she recorded her first temp was after a long night with wine and margaritas, not to mention 4 hours of sleep before bbt, so, ovulation calender at Fertility Friend states today is 12 DPO. We are trying to figure this out. Could her temp have been high that first day of recording it b/c of alcohol overload?????? Who knows....it is all so very stressful with just the perfect timing. In good news, temp is still high and actually climbed more this A.M.

So, whether 11 DPO or 12.....let it be POSITIVE this month.....

Beware of the simplifiers...

This is one of the best commentaries I have seen on the subject of Jeremiah Wright. I am so saddened by what has been done to O.bama and Dr. Wright in these last several weeks. It is shameful. This is definetely a race issue, but not because Dr. Wright is a racist.

I love Bill M.oyers.

Seeds are out, swimmers are in!

Oh boy! or girl! Here we go again. The TWW. Hoping and praying that this is our time.

We went to a big surprise party Saturday night and I forgot my camera. Argh! A friend of ours was granted full professorship at the university here and her partner threw a great party for her. ( I still have a hard time understanding the differences in the professors and why this is such a big deal, but apparently...says the academics... it is) She was so surprised!! We drank and danced the night away until 1am and then when I woke up at 5am to take my temp, it was a little high. Oops. Oh well, it threw my chart off, but it was so worth it.

So I peaked Saturday morning on the CBFM and we did one IUI Sunday at 11am and another IUI this morning at 8am. God, you know the cry of our hearts. We patiently wait for our miracle...

Seeds

I have seeds in my ear. I went to see the acupuncturist on Saturday. She was friendly, obviously new at this, but appeared very thorough. She interviewed me for about an hour. Wanting to know all about my mood, affect, clots during my period, family, my mother's health when I was conceived and carried. She said she wished we had more time. So for those of you considering acupuncture, start early. She said she would work with what we had but would have liked to have more time to work on my liver? and kidneys? So after the interview, she reviewed my tongue and made notes about it. Then I lied down and she felt my pulses and made notes. She asked if I had a hard time turning off my brain. I said 'yes', she said "I can tell by your pulses". what? I have felt many a pulse and never ascertained that.

Then the needles. They were not so bad. Felt like a prick and that was it. She put one in each wrist, one in each foot and about 15 from my sternum to my pubic bone. Set a timer for 15 minutes and then asked if I was ok with her putting seeds in my ear. Sure. Why not. She then proceeded to poke my ear in various spots representing my uterus, liver, ovaries etc.. and where it hurt the most she stuck the seed with a bandage taped over it. The uterus one is the most sensitive. That must be good, right?

She is going out of town so cannot see me right before our IUI, but I am going tomorrow morning for another visit. First visit $80. Tomorrow $60. Hmm.. I hope this works. I enjoy fertility massage much more. It actually feels like it is doing something. This I haven't quite figured out, but I am very open to it.

The hippo did it to me

Does this look familiar to anyone?

Today, we went to see a new OB/Gyn that our MW is now with- to establish our care there. She is this little feisty woman with tight curly hair who has eight children of her own. We figured if nothing else her fertility magic might wear off on us. She reviewed my history and labs from our other OB and did't really have much in the way of recommendation. She did order a formal GYN ultrasound to check out those fibroids we found a couple months ago and went ahead and ordered an anti-phos.pholipid panel for precautionary reasons....better to know that problem before repeated miscarriages. She doesn't do AI, so she said we were way ahead of her in that knowledge and wished us luck, lots of luck. Then she asked if we had a hippo? 'Uh, no, no hippo here.' She said 'oh many a people have gotten pregnant by rubbing the hippo alone.' Then she walks to her office and brings back this large stuffed red hippo that she is barely holding between two fingers and away from her body, so as not to temp her fate for baby #9, and gives it to me to hold. I hugged it, held it, rubbed it , kissed it. She said the hippo is an ancient Egyptian fertility goddess. Who knew? I happen to enjoy a hippo, so I am going to find a couple to keep around the house. Can't hurt :-).

Anyone else have a hippo?

Come Out, Come out, Wherever You Are

I think this is the first time I have ever prayed for AF to come. I have my Drs. apt. on Thursday, and she wanted to possibly do an ultrasound. I will have to cancel if AF doesn't arrive soon. UGHHHHH. I don't want to wait any longer. I don't want to have to take another month off.....am I whiny? Yes!



Give some Big Congrats to E & S at It's taking a village and their new baby boy A.


*UPDATE*
AF came today......yeah....
We join with all of you praying for E,S and A as they wait for healing and answers for their precious baby boy.

Open Mouth Kissing.....Swing Your Hips

Ali came home last week from her first Fertility Massage (info video below, please excuse that it is F.O.X. news, bleechk) and told me, honey, we need to have more open mouth kisses and dance the fertility dance. I looked at her puzzled, not about the open mouth kisses, but a fertility dance? I thought we are so desperate....keep my mouth shut....and wait for her instructions. So I stand up, grab her hips(not so bad so far) and start shaking them as her hips swing back and forth. Ali then goes on to explain that many woman do this same type of dance when they are in labor. Oh!!!! And...we have to do this how many nights a week? I have to say it is quite hysterical. We have managed the open mouth kissing, but, the dance on the other hand......ummm...not so much. I will try and post a picture of this lovely movement!? If we can keep from laughing. Don't get me wrong....I am truly committed and believe in alternative methods.





We will be seeing the Dr. on the 24th of this month to go over our records and discuss options. Hopefully we will be trying again in May and a January baby would be nice.

What a weird dream

So I wake up this morning and I'm in the shower and I say to La. I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I left Florida and drove to KJ's house in Utah. Showed up at the door. Took a tour around the place with K. No one else was home. Some of the house I recognized from pics on her blog. She offered to showed me the backyard- "still a work in progress", she tells me. It was like a large concrete rocky area. I mean large like the size of a sand and rock company's yard. Now I have seen pictures of their backyard, and it looks nothing like this. But anyways, dreams are crazy sometimes.... so back to the dream... K offers me some ice water in these little glasses with lemons on them. I then say ok I have to head back, like I live an hour away. Now it occurs to me in the dream that I have no recollection of how I got to Utah, and I'm not even sure if I have a car outside. We say goodbye and I find my car is waiting for me in the driveway and I get in, start down the street and realize I have no idea how to get home. And I keep saying to myself, I can't believe you would drive all this way for a three hour visit and now you don't even know how to get home. And I hate driving, for one thing I am not that good at it, for another it drives me nuts to sit that long so I usually sleep while I am being driven. Luckily I woke up before I had to spend the I don't know how many hours in the car it takes to get back to Florida from Utah. The End. I'll leave that to the interpretation of someone else, I have no clue. I gotta stop reading these blogs so much.

In other news around our house I am ovulating and we took the month off. Now I am wishing I had some sperm. I have been feeling ovulatory pain for really about 4 days, but today oh today, it is really getting my attention. La says that is probably because I have 8 follicles this month and we opted to take the month off. Very funny, dear...
We have been dog sitting my favorite dog niece Calliope Ruth "Callie". I love this dog. She loves the dust pan, which cracks us up because she is so little. Here a couple pics and a video. The video is dark, but I couldn't get the shot any better.

Right Brain, Left Brain

When you have 18minutes, this is worth seeing. A friend sent this clip of a talk given by a brain scientist that suffered a stroke. She very touchingly recounts every detail of feeling her mind slip away and what she has discovered about life since this profound experience. It especially caught my attention that she began a career in brain research because her brother is schizophrenic and she wanted to better understand his world. My brother is also schizophrenic and I have never understood his world.